I sat motionless on my bed and flipped through the Twitter messages. They hated me. I haven’t done anything to them but they hated me anyway. They hated me for being his girlfriend. Alexis Sánchez girlfriend. I didn’t want to blame him. It was not his fault. It was my fault. I was not pretty enough, not thin enough, not perfect enough. I was never enough. I turned around and looked at the little box on my nightstand. In slow motion I stood up and walked toward it. I opened the box and grabbed the blade, which I kept in it. While doing this, tears ran down my cheek. I didn’t want to do that, I had already stopped. Alexis knew that I suffer from depression and he always had a bad feeling when he had to leave me alone at home. ”I’m fine.” I told him and tried to smile. And I had almost believed that ‘I am fine’. But in moments like this, my thoughts came back, which almost killed me. I put the blade on to my wrists and stumbled into the bathroom. After a few seconds my left arm was red. Then my thighs, my hips. One single moment and all the old wounds were open again.
Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there’s no-one else to blame
I felt the cold bathroom floor at my skin. I was lying here, in my own blood. I thought I hadn’t cut deep enough to be in serious danger. But I was numb. If I cut myself again I would not even feel the blade. I couldn’t move. I felt absolutely nothing and it scared me. Again tears began to roll down my cheeks. I couldn’t control it. “Alexis!” I whispered. I cried and cried, repeating his name.
Suddenly I heard someone open the front door. “I’m home, honey.” a voice called out, happy as always. “Babe?” he called again. “Are you at home?” he asked. I whimpered. Alexis heard it and rushed to the bathroom. “Y/N No, please. No, No, No. What happened?” He knelt down beside me, I felt that he was trembling. Then he saw the blade. “Can you hear me?” he whispered, shaking me. “Y/N! Y/N! Y/N! Say something. I love you. I love you so much, I don’t want to lose you.” he cried. I looked at him. My eyes were half open. “I’m here ..” I whispered. “I’m taking you to the hospital now.” said Alexis. “No, not to the hospital, please no ..” I said, looking for his hand. ”I love you.” he muttered. Then he gently lifted me up and carried me into the bedroom. He laid me on the bed, then disappeared once again in the bathroom. He was looking for bandages, I heard him. When he came back, he had his arms full of bandages, his eyes were red and his facial expression anxious. I’d never seen him like this before. He spent the next hour with wrapping my arms and legs in bandages. He was so incredibly careful and gentle, focused only on this one thing. I think he would immediately begin to cry if he looked at me.
When he finished, he stood up and kissed my forehead. Then he lay down beside me and put his strong arms around my body and pulled me to him. He was scared. I felt it.
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
I’m needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
“I destroy you.” I mumbled when I woke up the next morning. I knew he was awake. He had been the whole time. “Every time you have to leave me, I will destroy you a little bit more. We can’t continue like this. You don’t deserve this, Alexis.” I added. “I love you too much.” I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t begin to cry. “Please .. Y/N..” he whispered. “We can’t go on like this..” I said.
Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah I think that I might break
I’ve lost myself again and I feel unsafe
I packed my things. Only the most important ones. I thought it was important to end it now. Alexis stood all the time in the doorway and watched me. A few times he had tried to stop me, but every time he tried I started to cry and to push him away. “I will not hurt you anymore.” I whispered. What happened here? I had begun to believe that I was not good enough for him. I wiped the tears away and zipped up the bag. I took the bag and my jacket and looked at him. He looked terrible. His eyes were still red, he didn’t wanted me to go. “I love you.” he said. “I love you.” I replied. “I will love you forever, Y / N.” he muttered. He raised his hand and gave me a sheet of paper. It was his first love letter for me. On our first date I told him how much I loved handwritten letters. Six months later, he gave me this letter and ended it with Beethoven’s words, from his letter to Antonie Brentano. “Forever yours, forever mine, forever us” I took it and wrapped my arms around his neck. “What happened to us, Alexis? Tell me!” I cried into his shirt. He stroked my back and I stumbled away from him. He didn’t answered me and I knew what he wanted to tell me. “Forever yours.” I said as I opened the door and left his home. Our home. “Forever Mine.” he whispered, as the door was closed and he leaned against the wall, closed his eyes and held back the tears.
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